Behemoth
by IWriteNaked
Summary: Everyone thinks Elena Gilbert is crazy. She's been in and out of the Behemoth Psych Ward all her life. But if she's so crazy, why does Damon seem so real? And what keeps taunting Elena from her reflection? Delena. Rated M for cursing, violence and possible adult material in later chapters.
1. Warriors

**Hello! This is a little different. This is not a Mortal Instruments story, which is a first for me.**

 **So, hi TVD fandom! I'm a little late to the party, but DeathCabForMari convinced me to check out the Vampire Diaries, and I fell in love with Delena from the very start. So…I decided to write about it.**

 **Huge thanks for my very best friend, DeathCabForMari, for getting me to watch TVD, and brainstorming with me, listening to me fangirl, and most of all…for not ever spoiling anything. You're the WGG, and I consent to your existence.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, or the song used for the intro.**

* * *

 _"As a child you would wait and watch from far away. But you always knew that you'd be the one that worked while they all play." –Warriors, by Imagine Dragons._

* * *

 **Age 9**

I was 9 years old the first time they sent me away. I sat in the back of a dark yellow taxi cab while my father gave an address to a man who smelled strongly of cigarette smoke, and too much cheap cologne. The driver gave my father a concerned look when he muttered the words "Behemoth Institution," but pulled out of the driveway anyways.

My parents turned their heads away in shame as I waved at them through the back window of the cab. I had only a 6 year-old Jeremy to acknowledge my departure. He chased after the car, my half-filled diary waving above his tussled brown hair.

"Elena!" I heard him call through my opened window, but it was too late. Father took the small boy by both of his thin arms as we rounded the corner, leaving my most loved possession and my dear little brother behind.

My insides ached. How would I survive without either?

The driver glanced at me in the rear view mirror. "Why is a nice little girl like you headed to Behemoth?

My thin shoulders slumped. "They don't like me anymore. They haven't since the vampires came."

"Vampires?"

I nodded, and we fell silent.

* * *

We pulled up to a building that had bars on the windows, and an overly cheerful woman lead me through the corridor, into a room where she searched through my bag for anything I wasn't allowed to have.

My hands absently picked at the hem of my red, flowy dress. "Why don't my mom and dad want me anymore?" I asked.

She smiled warmly at me. "They want you, honey, but they also want you to get better."

My eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. "Better than what?"

"We're going to help you, sweetheart," she told me. I was growing tired of the pet names, but I was too polite to say so. "Soon you'll be able to tell the difference between real friends and imaginary ones. Then the vampire won't bother you anymore."

How did she even know about him?

I looked down at my black flats, then at the large, smudge free window behind her. Damon was there, smiling reassuringly at me. He was there—as he'd always been—watching, waiting, ready to protect me at any moment if the need arose. His cold eyes warmed my heart, offering a sense of comfort like no one else could.

"Damon is real," I boldly declared. "And he's no bothering me, he's protecting me. He's my friend."

* * *

That night, in the darkness of my too-white room, my heart beat a little faster every time something went bump in the night. I could hear careless footsteps coming down the hall. They stopped in front of my door, and I crouched further under my blanket. Keys jingled, and the handle turned.

"Damon?" I whispered. "Is that you?"

The smile in his voice was audible when he said: "You didn't think I would leave you in here alone, did you?"

I got out of my bed, reaching blindly for him through the darkness, taking his large hand in both of mine. Damon was my best friend. He swore to protect me from my biggest fear: Katherine. She reached for me from my reflection every chance she got. She looked just like me, aside from the hatred in her eyes. She was trapped behind the glass, but if she could grab hold of me…then she would be able to pull me in, and she could get out.

That's why I had Damon. He was there to scare her away, every time.

"How did you get in here?" I asked. "They said no one could get past security."

Damon squeezed my hands softly. "I have this amazing way of making people do whatever I want them to do. I'll tell you about it one day. I can always get to you, Leney. I promised to keep you safe."

I squeezed his hand back, smiling at his nickname for me. "I'm glad you came in." After a moment of hesitation, I asked him: "Why does everyone keep telling me you aren't real? My mom, my dad, Aunt Jenna, the lady who brought me here, and even Jeremy says you're imaginary. Why doesn't anyone believe me, Damon? You are real, aren't you?"

He chuckled in a way that gave me butterflies. "I'm real."

"Good. I don't want them to make you go away. They said they can make you go away."

"They could," Damon muttered. "If I weren't real, they could make you stop seeing me. But I am real, and I'm stronger than they are. The only way I'll go away forever is if you ask me to."

I smiled. "Then I'll never ask you to."

"Oh!" he exclaimed. "I brought you something."

"What is it?"

The light flipped on and I saw my beloved diary in his free hand. "You forgot this. I thought you would want to have it with you."

I sprung toward him, throwing my arms around his leather jacket-clad chest. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Any time, Elena."

* * *

 _Dear Diary,_

 _Mommy and Daddy weren't just threatening when they said they were going to send me away. I'm really here, stuck in the Behemoth Institute._

 _I can't believe this is happening._

 _They said this would be good for me, but I don't think that's why they wanted to get rid of me. They think I'm crazy. They think that Damon is all in my head, but I know he's real. I see him, and feel him, and I can hear his soft breathing as I write this._

 _I'm not crazy. Damon is real. He's here. He told me he would be here for as long as I need him to be, which is good because Katherine told me she would never go away._

 _I miss my home. I miss my bed, and I miss Jeremy. I don't think I'll ever stop missing Jeremy. I miss the colors in my room, the music coming from dad's stereo, and even mom's bad cooking._

 _And unlocked doors._

 _I especially miss unlocked doors._

* * *

 **I hope you all enjoyed that. Leave a review, maybe? I don't know. Live your life.**

 **I'm always open to suggestions for future plot points. I try to be accommodating to what readers want to see.**

 **-IWriteNaked**


	2. I'll Keep On

" _Oh, these hands are tired.  
Oh, this heart is tired.  
Oh, this soul is tired.  
But I'll keep on, I'll keep on, I'll keep on." –I'll Keep On, by NF.  
_

* * *

"I'm not crazy!" I yelled at the doctor who called herself Meredith. Her eyes tried to reason with me, but two weeks in Behemoth had me going stir crazy. "Damon is real. Why won't anyone believe me?"

"Elena," she spoke softly, despite my disrespectful tone. "If Damon is real, why hasn't anyone ever met him? Why hasn't he come to see you?"

I glared at her. If daggers could have actually been shot from my eyes, Meredith would have been ascending to a higher plain of pain. "My family hasn't come to see me either. Did I make them up, too?" I slumped back into my seat. Two weeks. Two weeks without my family—without Jeremy—and all anyone wanted to talk about was whether or not my best friend even existed. "I miss my little brother," I muttered, utterly defeated. "Why hasn't my family called? You said that they would call."

The doctor sighed. "I don't know why they haven't called, or come to visit. They're probably very, very busy, or maybe they don't know what to say to you right now."

 _Maybe they don't know what to say to you right now._

Was it so hard to speak to me that my own family couldn't be bothered to come around? Was I so horrible that they had to lock me away, never to see me again? "Can I go?" I asked in my most polite tone. "I don't feel like talking anymore."

"Yeah, you can go," she dismissed me. "Oh, and Elena," Meredith stopped me just before I went out the door. "Try to meet some other kids your age. It's really lonely in here without any friends."

* * *

I placed my tray at any empty table in the cafeteria. Despite Dr. Fell's suggestion that I make friends, there didn't seem to be anyone my age there. And the older kids were terrifying. They all seemed like the kind of people who actually belonged in a place like that.

I wasn't crazy. Not like they were.

"Hi!" A perky blonde girl popped out of seemingly nowhere, and sat across from me. "I'm Caroline. What's your name?"

Silently, I stared at her for several seconds. "Elena."

She gave me a kind smile. "Are you new here?"

"Yes. I've been here for two weeks."

Caroline picked absently at the limp salad that sat in front of her, on one of those red trays. "I've been at Behemoth for six months."

You couldn't even imagine the painful twist in my stomach. "They've kept you here for six months?!"

Her light eyes darkened considerably. "I'm going to be here for a very long time."

I nodded, not wanting to pry or ask what she'd done to end up there. It didn't seem like something she was comfortable telling a complete stranger. "I'm sorry," was my brilliant reply.

"It's okay," Caroline said, suddenly all cheer again. "It's not too bad. How old are you?"

"Nine," I answered, glad for the subject change. "How old are you?"

"Ten!" she exclaimed gladly. "All of these other people are way older and don't want to talk to me. I'm glad I met you." Her hand extended to me from across the table. "Friends?"

For the first time since Damon last came to see me, I smiled. "Friends."

* * *

Night after night I waited for Damon to visit me, so I could tell him that, by some miracle, I'd managed to make a friend. It was an entire week before he finally came back.

"Elena," he whispered, gently tapping my shoulder to wake me up. "Rise and shine, Leney."

I rubbed my sleepy eyes, his icy gaze coming into view. "Damey!"

"Hey, Sleeping Beauty."

My cheeks burned a crimson red when he called me that, and I briefly wondered if he really thought I was beautiful. I thought he was the most beautiful man on Earth. "You've been away for so long," I complained, shaking away the thoughts of his good looks, and whether or not I had any.

"I know. I'm sorry." Damon sat at the edge of my bed, his hands softly smoothing down my dark hair. "I had to deal with my brother, but I thought of you every day. Were you okay here without me?"

"I was okay," I quickly clarified to ease the look of worry on his face. "I made a friend. And I didn't know you had a brother."

His shaggy hair fell over his eyes when he nodded. "I do. He's a pain in the ass, but he's the only brother I have. Tell me about your friend."

My eyes widened at him. "Damon, you used a naughty word." I'd said the same word once, and my mother put soap in my mouth.

He gave me a funny look. "I can say whatever I want. I'm an adult." Damon poked my sides, causing me to giggle. "I'm over 170 years old. Tell me about your friend," he repeated.

"Her name is Caroline," I started. "She's 10."

My best friend nodded. "I'm glad you'll have someone to talk to when I'm not here."

I reached my small hand up to brush the hair away from his forehead. "Are you going away again?"

"Not right now, Leney." I sighed in relief. "I just got back."

"Tell me about your brother." It was a request for the sole purpose of keeping him talking, because if he was talking he wouldn't leave, and I wouldn't have to be alone. The longer he would stay the better.

"Stefan Salvatore—"

"Your last name is Salvatore?" I interrupted.

"Yep," Damon answered, popping the p.

"I never knew that."

"He's three years younger than me," he continued.

"Like Jeremy and me," I offered.

"Yes, exactly like that. Sometimes Stefan is a lot like me. Sometimes he's worse…sometimes he's better."

I shook my head ferociously. "No one is better than you, Damey."

He patted my head lovingly. "I love that you think that, Leney, no matter how incorrect it may be."

* * *

 _Dear Diary,_

 _When is it an okay time to tell your friend why your parents sent you away from them? Caroline keeps asking me why I'm here, and I want to tell her the truth, but I'm worried she will be like Meredith. I don't want my only friend here to think I'm crazy, and that Damon and Katherine aren't real._

 _I know they're real. Katherine has left long claw marks down both of my arms. She's there every time I look in the mirror. I can't get ready for school without seeing her. She's after me._

 _And Damon brought my diary to me when I left it behind. He's not just in my head._

 _I wish someone would believe me._


	3. Skinny Love

**Yoooooooooooo. Sorry for taking a while to update, but I've been working two jobs (again) and just overall having some pretty shitty experiences, so I literally just did not have time.**

 **Hope y'all enjoy the chapter!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries or any of it's affiliated characters. I do this for no other reason than the love of writing, and the desire to share my ideas with the FFN world.**

* * *

" _I told you to be patient, and I told you to be fine. And I told you to be balanced, and I told you to be kind. In the morning I'll be with you, but it will be a different kind, 'cause I'll be holding all the tickets, and you'll be owning all the fines." –Skinny Love, by Bon Iver.  
_

* * *

Age 10  


"You keep dodging the question," Caroline complained in her soft, musical voice. "Why are you in here?"

Five months had come and gone. My birthday passed by without as much as a phone call from my mom or my dad. Jeremy sent me a hand written letter that was barely legible, but it was enough to make me smile. That had become rare, but the confirmation that he hadn't forgotten me was a great source of comfort. Damon came into my room at midnight on my birthday with a necklace that was made with something called vervain.

He said it would keep me safe.

I liked the necklace because it was pretty, and because my favorite person in the world had given it to me.

I stared blankly at my lunch tray. "Promise you won't call me crazy?"

Caroline nodded. "Whatever you did to get in here can't be half as bad as what I did."

"I'm not crazy," I told her. "I met a vampire. His name is Damon."

She looked at me skeptically. "A vampire?"

I nodded. "He's my best friend. He gave me this." I pulled the necklace out from under the collar of my shirt.

"Why would a vampire need friends?"

My shoulders rose and fell again in a shrug. My mother hated it when I shrugged. "He says he used to know my mom, and he promised her that he would keep me safe."

"Wait," she stopped me. "If he knows your mom, why did she send you here?"

"My other mom," I clarified. "I'm adopted."

"You are?"

"Yes. Damon says my real mom's name is Isobel." I paused for a moment. "Anyways, I haven't even told you about Katherine yet."

"Who's Katherine?" Caroline leaned forward, placing her elbows on the table.

"My twin sister," I said softly.

She tilted her said to the side. "You have a twin?"

"Kind of…she died when Isobel was giving birth to us." I shook my head. "Now she's haunting me, because I lived and she didn't."

"Whoa! Vampires _and_ ghosts?"

"That's not all," I divulged. "Katherine is trapped inside of my reflection. She wants to trade places."

If Caroline thought I was crazy, she didn't say so. "And everyone thinks it's all in your head?" I nodded. "Why don't you just pretend they both went away? Then you could go home."

I frowned. It wasn't that I hadn't thought of that. "That would be like admitting that I'm psychotic."

Her blonde curls cascaded flawlessly just past her shoulders. She pushed them back, looking lost in thought. "But then you could see your little brother again. I'd give anything to see my mom without having to stare at her through glass. I'd do anything to hug her one last time."

"You're right," I agreed, finally. "I should try."

* * *

Later that night, just before lockup, Caroline and I were headed down the corridor toward our rooms when loud screams sounded down the hallway. Meredith rushed up behind us. "Caroline, Elena! Go into your room and lock the door behind you. Don't open it for anyone but me."

My knees began to shake, and my heart raced a little faster than normal. Caroline grabbed hold of my hand, and we ran into my room as quickly as our short legs would allow. "Has this happened before?" I asked as I turned the lock.

"No, but I heard some of the older kids saying they were going to try to escape. Klaus and Rebekah were planning to hurt people if they needed to."

"Why didn't you warn someone?"

She looked at me like I was completely insane. "Don't ever cross either of them. They're dangerous. Whatever happens tonight won't be nearly as bad as what they would do to you if they found out you told on them. And that's coming from one of the most high profile people in this institution."

"You never told me why you were here," I remembered out loud.

Caroline's blue eyes took on a sad tinge. "I killed someone."

I nearly choked on my own breath. "You did what?" I'd been friends with Caroline for a while, and yeah, she was insecure, controlling, and she seemed like she had some screws loose, but I didn't have her pegged as a murderer.

"He deserved it…"

I didn't have time to reply, because Damon came, at vampire speed, crashing through my door. He didn't bother to re-lock it behind him. Without as much as a glance at Caroline, who had backed herself fearfully into the corner, he lifted me from the ground, nuzzling his face into my messy hair. "Thank God you're okay, Leney."

My narrow arms wrapped tightly around his neck. I was glad he showed up, not just for my sake, but for Caroline's. If the turmoil going on down the hall was as dangerous as Caroline made it sound, we'd do well with a supernatural being there to protect us. "I'm fine, Damon."

Caroline gasped from her place in the corner of my room. "He actually exists?" she asked in awe. "I thought you were just crazy like the rest of us!"

Damon's entire body shook when he laughed, and I glared at the both of them. "Well, now you know I'm not. He's right here," I said in a snappy tone.

Caroline eyed him, taking hesitant steps toward us. "Are you really a vampire?"

I'd only seen Damon's face change like that once before, when he was very, very angry. The veins around his eyes darkened until they were sickeningly visible, and his fangs stuck out. Caroline backed away again.

Damon put me down and crouched down until he was eye level with Caroline. "You won't remember me."

"I won't remember you," she repeated.

"You and Elena stayed in this room with the door locked, all night. You were afraid, but nothing bad happened to you. Now go to sleep."

Caroline smiled at him and went to lie down on my bed. "How did you do that?" I asked.

"That, Leney, is how I get past security," he answered. "I can make people do whatever I want them to do, and I can make them forget, or I can make them remember something that didn't really happen. That's why I gave you that necklace. It stops people like me from being able to compel you."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Why did you have to do it to Caroline? Now she'll go back to thinking you don't exist!"

"That's exactly what I wanted." Damon's eyes bugged out at me in a way that made my heart flip. "No one can know about me."

With my arms crossed over my chest, I sat heavily at the edge of the bed where Caroline had started to snore. "Why?"

"It's too dangerous. Humans have a long history of trying to kill vampires. They don't like us."

"You have a long history of successfully killing humans." I pouted.

He frowned at me. "I don't always kill them. I usually just feed and make them forget."

"Usually?"

"Yeah, well, sometimes I do other things with them, too." Damon rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "I'll tell you when you're older."

"But Da—"

"They're coming," he interrupted, suddenly. "Stay in here." Just like that, he was out the door.

I knew he told me to stay put, but curiosity always did get the better of me. I cracked the door open slowly, hearing Damon's voice: "Kill him, and then kill yourself." I peeked around the door to find Damon with two older boys held against the wall by their throats. He made eye contact with one of them. "Don't run."

The boy obediently told him: "I won't run."

That was the first time I'd ever seen anyone die.

* * *

 _Dear Diary,_

 _There was this look in Damon's eyes tonight. One I didn't recognize at first. It caused me to gasp when he turned toward me as I stood, so small, in the doorway of my room._

 _When Meredith received me at Behemoth and Damon was standing outside the window—watching and listening—he looked kind, and stable, and loving. When I looked at the people with their lives draining out of them at his feet, bleeding, crying, broken, and so afraid…his eyes grew darker than I've ever seen them before. They were angry, and they even looked hungry._

 _Eyes don't eat—I know that—but Damon's looked they were starving. They looked like his very soul was searching for a way to get out of his body._

 _I've only seen that look on one other person: myself. I see it when I'm looking back at Katherine in the mirror as she tortures me for being alive._

 _Seeing Damon like that made me realize that there is a darkness hidden behind the kindness he's shown to me. It's a darkness I've seen in Caroline, too…in Katherine…in me._

 _And I'm not alone anymore._

* * *

 **Let me know what you think!**


	4. Darkness, Everybody

**I don't own TVD, I'm just dicking around.**

* * *

" _I've been trying to escape, but something keeps calling me. A feeling I can't shake, the darkness has swallowed me. I can't move fast enough to ditch what has followed me." –Darkness, Everybody, by Man Overboard._

* * *

Age 11

Following Caroline's advice, I slowly began to pretend I no longer believed in Damon. I stayed quiet when they tested me with mirrors, though Katherine snarled at me every time. She told me that I should have died right along with her—that I'd cheated death, and was a burden to everyone around me as a result. I didn't look at her. I looked _through_ her. If I stared long enough, she would get bored with me and turn back into what I imagine everyone else sees when they stare at themselves. For a brief moment, I could look past her and catch a glimpse of _me._ For the first time, I ignored her for long enough to catch the glare of my own reflection.

It took another eight months for Meredith to clear me for release. By that point home was nothing but a distant memory—a dream I'd long since forgotten. I could hardly remember what "home" felt like, or why I so desperately wanted to go back.

The day I was scheduled to leave, Caroline and I were like magnets. We went to meals together, refused to have separate sessions with Meredith, and huddled together on the couch in the lounge during free time. By the time six o'clock rolled around, we were all cried out. There were no words left to say. We'd already gone over all of the ways we would keep in touch; visits, letters, and phone calls. We promised to be friends forever.

"I'm gonna miss you sooo much!" Caroline held tightly when we went in for our last goodbye hug.

"I'll call you tomorrow," I whispered, because it was all my voice could do.

The hardest thing to do that day was to pull away and follow my parents into the car.

* * *

I got sick in the car.

It had been so long since I'd been in a moving vehicle that my stomach lurched every few miles, and we had to pull over. My parents watched me like you would watch a stranger. Their hollow eyes held pity, but not love.

"Where's Jeremy?" It was the first thing I'd said since they picked me up. I wanted to see Jeremy. He was the only reason to leave Behemoth—to leave Caroline. If he was gone…if something had happened, I would gladly go back to the only home I still knew.

"He's at soccer practice. We'll pick him up on the way home," my mother didn't look at me when she spoke.

I sank back into my seat. 13 months away from my family, and they didn't seem like they were even happy to see me. I felt guilty for all I had missed—I didn't know Jeremy started playing soccer, if he loved it, or if he was good at it. I didn't even know what his team was called, or the number on his jersey. I thought they probably didn't want me to come home. That was why they never called of came to visit. They were glad to be rid of me.

At some point, in the midst of my sulking, Jeremy climbed into the car and scooted into the middle seat beside me. "Are you really all better?" he whispered, so Mom and Dad couldn't hear.

Jeremy was 7 now. His hair was cut shorter, and he'd grown taller. I missed him.

"Yeah, Jer, I'm all better," I lied.

* * *

I had never felt so out of place in my own home. Everything was the same. Dad still pulled into our two car garage a little too fast, causing Mom to glare at him. Jeremy still threw his jacket on the floor in the foyer instead of hanging it up in the coat closet. We still gathered around the table as a family for dinner. My room was exactly how I left it, the closet filled with clothing that I had long since outgrown. On paper everything was exactly the same, like I never went away. But I was different.

So nothing was really the same to me.

I waited patiently for the movement in the house to die down. Once I was sure everyone was asleep, I called to him out my bedroom window. "Damon? If you're here, please come in."

Then I waited in silence for a man who never came. It took me 20 minutes and three more attempts to accept that he was spending his evening elsewhere.

Settling into my own bed for the first time in over a year, the softness of the mattress surprised me. The pillows were too lavish, the sheets too smooth. I never thought I could be _too_ comfortable to fall asleep.

I was finally beginning to drift off when I heard her. The full length mirror on my closet door displayed Katherine with her hands up against the glass. "Did you miss me, Elena?" she asked in her gravelly voice.

"No." I threw one of my purple pillows at her. She didn't even flinch.

"Oh, but it's been so lonely without you, little sister." I glanced at her face, so much like mine, and I hated her. I hated the sight of her, and I couldn't stand the idea that I'd have to deal with her any time I needed to brush my teeth or take a piss.

"I'm not your little sister," I snapped at her. "We're the same age."

Katherine smirked. "Yes, but I'm stronger than you. I'm smarter than you, and we will be trading places one way or another. All this time…trapped behind whatever reflection you decide to look into. No company but boring little Elena. You'll slowly start going crazier than you already are."

"Shut up!" I did my best not to speak too loudly. I didn't want my family to know what I was still going through. "I'm sorry you're trapped—I'm sorry you died, but it isn't my fault!"

"It's all your fault! Everything is your fault, Elena!" Katherine lashed at me, her painted fingernails reaching out for me, falling just barely short of my flesh. "That's why Damon isn't here," she spit. "I bet he's finally realized the same thing as your parents did: just how horrible you are—how evil you are. He's probably _disgusted_ with you. I bet he _hates_ you." She snarled at me one last time before turning away.

* * *

 _Dear Diary,_

 _I hate Katherine. I HATE her._

 _I hate her because I can't sleep anymore. I hate her because my family is nothing but unfamiliar faces. I hate her because I feel empty. I hate her because I can't be with Caroline and Jeremy at the same time. I hate her because I miss them. I hate her because she's ruined my life. I hate her because I can't fix it._

 _I hate her because I hate me.  
_


	5. Simple Existence

**I'd like to extend a massive shout out to one of my best friend, parabatai, beta on most things, and always the person who is like "you got this", rippingbutterflywings. You're the greatest, and Word Wars with you are my entire existence, plus you saved my life on this chapter because how do you even write school scenes? What is school even? Thank you for giving me an idea about how middle school works, because LOL I was home schooled for most of it, and I skipped almost every day for the one year that I was in public school. Oops.**

 **Here's another massive shout out to my bestie, parabatai, the mother of flame, and my coconspirator, DeathCabForMari. Thank you for all your help and support on this story. I love you 100% of the time, and I can't wait to see you in 53 days (and Cams in 54 days, holla)**

* * *

 _"I fell asleep in a city that doesn't._  
 _Thought I was special, but you know I wasn't._  
 _It's just hard to believe that I won't be held responsible for the things you now know." –Simple Existence, by State Champs_

* * *

Age 12.

My first year back home was spent being home schooled. My parents said I needed time to settle back in without the distraction of other children, and all that comes along with public schooling.

As a result, at age 12, going into my first day of junior high, I was scared shitless. It'd been so long since I'd stepped foot inside of a real school—since I'd even spoken to anyone my age, other than Caroline. I hadn't seen any of my classmates since I was nine years old.

I walked through the hallways with my eyes downcast. The lockers were intimidating—the older kids were intimidating. The staff walked through the hallways greeting all of their return students, friendly smiles spread across their faces, but even they were intimidating.

"Elena?!" a voice called out, startling me. My eyes snapped up, meeting Matt Donovan's electric orbs.

"Matt!" I replied. "Wow, you're tall." That last time I'd seen him, I was nearly a full head taller than him. It was surprising how drastically he'd changed, the only thing really remaining the same being his blue eyes. His face had matured, and his cheeks were no longer hilariously chubby.

He smiled kindly. "You're short. Why didn't you tell me you were back? Jeremy said your parents sent you to some school for super gifted children, or something."

I nodded. If that's how they explained my absence, I wasn't about to change the story. No one needed to know that they dumped me in Behemoth because they couldn't handle all of my "crazy."

"I just got back," I lied. "I'm still settling in."

Matt nodded, and thankfully didn't question my story. "Have you seen Bonnie yet? She's been really lonely since you left."

I shook my head. "I'll catch up with her as soon as possible, but I've got to go to the office and get my schedule. I'll see you later, Matt." I spun on my heel and started walking swiftly away from him, trying to outrun the shame and the lies.

"Elena," Matt called after me.

I stopped in my tracks, and turned back see him with an amused grin on his face. "The office is this way." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder, pointing down a long hallway. "I'll take you."

* * *

Bonnie was in my home room, and she didn't say anything when she saw me. We stared at each other for a while, unsure how to approach the situation and I briefly wondered if she recognized me. Surely I hadn't changed that much. My hair was longer, and I was a bit taller, but so was she.

"Bonnie!" I broke the silence.

"Elena!" she replied with a smile. "How long have you been back?"

"Just a few days," I lied.

"Why didn't you call me?"

The lies just kept piling up, and by the time our teacher started talking I'd fabricated an entire life that I'd never even lived. I had to tell her stories about experiences that weren't even real, and I felt awful. I tried to keep the stories as close to the truth as possible. I told her about Caroline, and the days spent giggling over silly things, and how I thought of Bonnie every day while I was away.

The rest of the day went about the same, repeating the same stories, trying to be consistent. By the end of the day I realized that I no longer knew how to live my old life. All I knew how to do was go through the motions, pretending I was still the same girl that went away when I was 9.

But I wasn't the same girl at all, and I worried that my old friends wouldn't like the new me—or that the new me wouldn't like my old friends.

* * *

Everyone was so much older than I remembered, and they were into things that I wasn't into. I'd been cut off from my peers for so long that I no longer knew how to interact with them. Their interests didn't interest me, and it really made me miss Caroline more than I thought possible.

"Hey," a girl greeted me, taking the seat next to me in math class. "Look what Tyler gave me behind the bleachers in gym class today." She pulled down the neckline of her shirt to reveal a big purple mark on her neck.

"What is that?" I asked. "Does it hurt?"

The girl looked at me like I was an idiot. "It's a hickey, Elena. Haven't you ever had one?"

I shook my head. "Why would I want that? How did he even do it?"

"You don't know? It's from suction."

"He sucked on your neck?" I asked, bewildered.

"God, Elena, what did you do all that time at your other school? Were there no boys there?"

I thought about all the times Damon came in and played games with me, or brought foods that I wasn't allowed to have in there. "There were boys."

"And you didn't let any of them give you a hickey?"

"No," I answered. "That sounds gross."

She gave me a strange look again. "It's not gross. Haven't you ever kissed a boy?"

My mind went to Damon's lips on my forehead as he tucked me into bed. "A boy has kissed me."

"You didn't kiss him back?"

"Nope."

* * *

Bonnie and I had a sleepover on the first Friday of every school year. It was a tradition we'd had since preschool, but we'd missed the last two years and had a lot of lost time to make up for. With every snack we could find, three movies, and seven pillows, we crashed out in my room. "Which one should we watch first?" I asked.

Bonnie laid the three of them out, carefully reading the back of each case. "This one," she decided, and handed me Sleepy Hollow. "I haven't seen it yet."

The movie was creepy, but I was only half paying attention. My mind kept getting pulled back to the girl in math class, and the mark on her neck. I'd seen Damon sucking on people's necks before, but he didn't leave a purple mark—he left blood. The idea of someone putting their mouth on my neck sounded gross, and the hickey the girl showed me looked painful. I didn't want one, but what if that was the only way to fit in?

What if not wanting one made me weird?

Once the movie was over, I decided to ask Bonnie. "Have you ever gotten a hickey?"

She looked embarrassed, but nodded. "Once."

"Who gave it to you?"

"Someone I met while you were away. You don't know him."

Before I could press her to give me more details, the electricity cut off. My room was pitch-black, and everything went silent. "Power outage," I sighed. "Perfect."

Bonnie grabbed hold of my arm. "Do you have a flashlight?"

"Somewhere," I answered, shaking her off, but before I could get up to stumble through the dark and find one, I heard my bedroom door swing open, slamming against the wall—hard.

I felt the bed shift when Bonnie jumped. "What was that?!"

"Jer?" I called out.

"Ooooooooooh," an eerie ghost-like noise resonated from the hallway.

Bonnie clung to my arm again. "Jeremy, if that's you it's not funny!" she yelled, angrily.

A scraping against the walls caused Bonnie to cower into the corner of my bed. But before it could reach us we heard a loud _thud_ followed by Jeremy's high pitched voice yelling "Shit! Damnit!"

"Jeremy!" I yelled. "Watch your mouth!"

"I'm old enough to swear now, Elena. I'm on the soccer team! I'm a big kid," he argued, as he usually did whenever I scolded him.

"You're nine!"

"Exactly," he said, sounding proud of himself.

Bonnie threw one of my many pillows at him. "Turn the power back on."

I followed suit and threw another pillow. "Go away, Jeremy," I told him, but I took a moment to mark it as a memory. I loved times like that, and often found myself missing his failed attempts at playing tricks on me while I was away. It was actually a huge comfort to have him bothering me again. I felt like things were finally returning to normal.

The peace, however, was short lived. The second Bonnie got up to use the restroom that I shared with Jeremy, Katherine appeared in my full length mirror. "Not now, Katherine," I begged.

"Hello, Elena," she greeted me in her gravelly voice. Her appearances had been happening more and more, and I wondered why she chose that moment to torment me.

"Please, Katherine. Not with Bonnie here."

She smiled at me, a wicked look in her eyes. "Where is the witch, anyways?" she asked, her tone casual, as if she didn't really care. One thing I knew about Katherine was that if she acted like she didn't care about something, it's because she was afraid of it. But why was she afraid of Bonnie?

"Don't call her that," I scolded. "Bonnie isn't a witch. She's my friend."

"Of course your only friends are witches and vampires. Poor little Elena, all alone in the world, until all of this evil appears on her doorstep."

I glared at her, but the door swung open, moving Katherine out of sight. I hoped Bonnie would leave the door open, keeping the mirror out of sight, but she softly closed it. I tried not to show my disappointment.

"Who were you talking to?" Bonnie asked.

I froze for a second, trying to think of an answer, but nothing came to mind. "I wasn't talking."

"Yes you were," she insisted. "I heard you."

"Go ahead and tell her," Katherine insisted. "Maybe she can use her witchy mojo to make me go away."

"I was just talking to myself, I guess."

Bonnie gave me a strange look, but put in another movie and didn't say another word about it.

But I swear that every time Katherine piped up, Bonnie shifted awkwardly, and looked around the room, as if she knew that something was off.

* * *

Bonnie fell asleep in the middle of the third movie. She always was the first to fall asleep, and the last to wake up. I remembered practically dragging her out of bed for breakfast in the mornings.

She wasn't sleeping for ten minutes before I heard light tapping on my window. Slowly, hesitantly, I approached my closed window. "Damey?" I didn't bother whispering. Nothing woke Bonnie up. I moved a little closer, and a wide grin spread across my face when I saw him.

He motioned for me to open the window, so I did and climbed out onto the roof. "Hey Leney. How was your first week back at school?"

I frowned, but still told him: "It was alright."

"Liar," he accused. "What's wrong?"

I shrugged. "I was away for a long time."

"Yeah?"

"I don't know…I don't really fit in with my old friends anymore. They have all of these new things that I'm not interested in, and they don't like the same things as me anymore either. I miss Caroline."

Damon nodded, and put his hand on my shoulder. "It's okay to feel that way, but if things are so much different, why is Bon Bon sleeping in your room?"

"Tradition," I explained. "I'm trying to figure out how to be her friend again, but I feel awful. I always have to lie about where I've been, and why I left. It just keeps piling up, and I feel like I've had to create this version of myself that isn't really—like I've made up an entire life that I never really lived."

He looked into my eyes thoughtfully, and my heart raced. I hoped he wouldn't be able to hear it. "I know how that feels," he admitted. "I'm a vampire. I have to lie about who I am all the time—I got used to it. Sometimes telling lies is how we survive, Elena."

"I guess so," I mutter. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Well…have you ever given anyone a hickey?" My cheeks felt hot, and my stomach did this nervous flip-flop.

Damon chuckled. "What?"

I covered my face with my hands, feeling unbelievably embarrassed. "Don't make me repeat the question. Please."

He laughed again, and the sound sent butterflies into my stomach. "Yes," he answered, finally. "I have given someone a hickey."

I nodded, pushing down a pang of jealousy. Whoever he gave a hickey to, he probably kissed her too, and the thought of that made me hate this nameless, faceless woman with every fiber of my being. "Does it make me weird if I don't want anyone to give me one?"

"Elena," Damon said with a hint of shock in his voice. "You're twelve years old. You better not be getting hickeys from anyone."

I looked out at the night sky, too flustered to look at his face any longer. "A girl at school showed me hers, and she acted like I was so weird because I've never had one. But I don't want any boys slobbering all over my neck. That sounds disgusting."

I heard him stifling a laugh, once again. "Yeah, it is…disgusting."

"Then why did you do it to someone?"

"One day, a very long time from now, you'll understand why adults do those kind of things. But promise, Elena, no boys until you're thirty."

I didn't really see a problem with that, because there were no boys that I liked. "Promise."

* * *

 **I know it's been forever, buuuuut...I have no excuse. I just wasn't writing.**

 **Leave a review, lemme know what you think. :)**


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